Today I was having some coffee at Redamte and FOUR songs came on the radio that I used to listen to constantly during high school. Okay, so I listened to a lot of music those days, so it’s not an unlikely thing, but they all happened to be songs that I listened to a lot (read: was obsessed with). One of those songs was Coldplay’s Fix You. I immediately had a flashback to the summer I turned 17. I was driving in my car with someone whom I cared very much for. I played them the song and something in me was hoping they would understand the lyrics the way I did.
Reader, I’m sure you’ve heard this song. It’s not anything special. But at 17, the song captivated me and I recognized a deep longing to be fixed, to be home, and I recognized a void I was trying to fill with the wrong pieces.
These are some of the lines that still gave me goosebumps, even today:
when you love someone, but it goes to waste
when you lose something you can’t replace
when you feel so tired but you can’t sleep
stuck in reverse
if you never try you’ll never know just what you’re worth
lights will guide you home
I will try to fix you
Okay, so maybe you’ve never been a 17 year old girl and you can’t relate to getting goosebumps over Coldplay lyrics. I admit, I’m a little embarassed that I’m blogging about this. Have some relief though, because I’m with you–if this post was just about relating to Coldplay lyrics, it would be pretty shallow.
It’s about transformation, longing and fulfilling.
At 17, there I was, listening to this song and recognizing that what I needed (whatever THAT was…???) was missing. And I was hoping anyone would take the time to fix me, to give me what I needed. But I didn’t even know what I needed. I just wanted to be whole, to be fixed. Of course, no person on earth can provide that kind of healing. 17 year old me realized that and it darkened the gloominess I felt.
That was five years ago, folks. And now I’m perfect and everything has been fixed–NOPE. That’s not how this post is going. Here I am, still broken (in fact, a full on mess some days) and still longing. Most days I feel hopeful about the future, the image of me glorified in spirit and whole, the way my Creator intended. But that day is far off it seems. Many days I feel the weight of how hard it is to have hope in an invisible Savior. How can I be healed by someone who I cannot even see in the flesh?
If you don’t know, I am a woman who loves the Lord, who has faith that Jesus is the savior and lover of my soul. Jesus is God, my friend and father in one. If you don’t know Jesus, you should meet him. He is God in man, who saved the world through his death. We are unworthy of God’s acceptance and love, but Jesus (perfect and without sin) took on the wrath of God that we deserved. It was a gift, grace. Since his death, man and God are reconciled–God promises not to see our sin, not to have anger towards us.
I BELIEVE this, fully. That I am fixed. That Jesus fulfills my longings (ALL of them: acceptance, love, to be known, happiness). In saying that I believe this, you also have to know that I too have doubt.
I live my life to know God and for others to know God. The thought of him being absent or not existing terrifies me, devastates me, leaves me with the greatest emptiness I’ve ever felt. Every once in awhile, I entertain this possibility that God doesn’t exist at all and I find myself spiraling into a temporary depression. Temporary…
I have to tell you, that I cannot make myself believe that God doesn’t exist. I’ve tried. But the evidence for his existence is GREATER than the fact that I can’t see his flesh or hear his voice audibly.
Because five years ago, I was a totally different being. And the hand of God swept down and lifted me from the struggles I was stuck in. Folks, when I look back on the 5 years, I cannot deny God’s presence in my life. I CANNOT NOT see him.
Unfortunately, I cannot tell you everything he’s done because there aren’t enough pages on the internet for that. But here are a few highlights:
He healed severe depression.
He healed addiction.
He taught me Chinese. (Have you SEEN Chinese? It looks like this: 真的吗？我能说中文！非常好！)
He made me succeed as an artist.
And perhaps the most unbelievable: He showed me that I have value during I time when I felt like the scum of the earth.
If you don’t understand how unbelievable and great these things are, we should talk in person. Because I cannot think about these things without getting goosebumps, without praise because the unthinkable has happened, and I have been changed and reconciled to God. I am pleasing and whole in his sight! It is unbelievable AND true.
If you’re longing to be fixed, I promise that there is transformation to be had. Please don’t read this as a Christian’s attempt to “convert” a non-believer, but an incredibly heart-felt confession that I have been changed, brought from the depths of the pit to the heights of a new life with my Creator. I’ve been fixed as I have so longed for since I’ve realized my incompleteness.
That’s all. :)